| | I just needed a forum to let go everything.. so i guess the post ahead will kinda be a lil whiny perhaps for some, but again, this is a blog to reveal the true me.. so, i think i dont need any permission to do it ..
AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Absolutely needed that scream. Sigh, albeit silently, i really just feel like screaming. I am tired of everything really. I am tired of acting, in front of my mom, in front of my friends, in front of everyone. I really am very tired, i just can't find the strength to labour on further. Probably, people would have started noticing that i am not as cheerful as last time, i am more introvert as compared to last time, and probably a lil different.
Yes..
I am just tired of trying to put my most positive face out there. My mom is still crying every night, she is still screaming every night. She is worried about my studies, she is worried about this, she is worried about that. Every night, she will knock on my door, to cry in front of me. AND its really bothering me. It really is. As i already have my own studying schedule and all, she feels it's not right, she feels i should study like other normal students, and it's really shouldn't be this hard. I should wake up early in the morning and study, and study in the afternoon, and prob evening, and at night i should sleep. BUT I CANT. For fuck sake, i just cant, because i can only absorb whatever i am reading at night. It's how i had been studying all this while, and it works fine. Yes, i have studied a few nights up to the morning where i head to class straight. I understand why she is worried, but i cant just change my study methods just like this..
But i really hate it, that she cries everynight in front of me, to show her stress at work, to show that she is worried about me and all, because it just make me feel worse. So, i had to act in front of her, telling her that everything will be okay, and consoling her every night.. making sure she is safely tuck in bed.. and i need to show her that my studies are ok, i will definitely pass my exam this time.. Back to my room, i had to tell myself not to be distracted and focus.. But trust me, its really not easy.. It's stressing me to death, living to her expectation, my expectation and knowing that i really had to do well this time.. with all the problems that had been bugging me all this while.. It's really not as easy as you might think out there.. It's not that i am giving myself unwanted pressure, its not that i am kiasu, its not that i am secretive, its not that i wanna do better than the rest, its not that i am lansi, its not that i crave attention, its just that.. sigh, this is driving me mad?
And going to class, i had to show that i am fine, and life goes on, and everything is good and fine with me.. I thought i could manage it, i really thought i could, but i just cant. I am really tired.. Yes, i am very stressed out, yes i cant sleep everynight as a result of my mom and the stress in my life, yes i am having insomnia. I just cant find the reason to be genuinely cheerful. I know some of you cares for me alot, and wanna share the prob with me and thought it would be best if i were to share it out.. But I just cant. I dont know how to explain and tell it out. It's probably its my man ego, but it could be because i cant find the word to describe what i am feeling now besides FUCKED UP!
I was merely looking for people to tell me to hang in there, things will be ok.. and stuff like that, it would be really sufficient.. if i am really acting indifferently, behaving strangely, and been very introvert, please please please do realise, its not that i want it to be that way, but probably i needed time and space to breathe. I dont know, i just need some time to balance up my life. It's not that i do not wanna share, nor that i am hiding anything, its just that i dont know how to share..
I really don't wanna carry on playing some cheerful and happy character anymore. Tired. And my mom just cried again too. Sigh. I have to apologise to few of my friends and also my special someone that i had been losing my temper, or acting indifferently towards them for quite some time, but i am really very screwed at the moment, and i am not weird or anything, i am just under immense pressure and my family situation is really really really that bad. No joke, its really that bad. I hope people will understand. Well, if you dont, i dont care anymore. Because i am tired of carrying on acting that i am fine. Thanks.
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| | Posted 6/7/2007 2:29 AM - 66 Views - 4 eProps - 2 comments
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