kennethwpl's Xanga

It's not easy...

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 16:29:19 GMT

I just needed a forum to let go everything.. so i guess the post ahead will kinda be a lil whiny perhaps for some, but again, this is a blog to reveal the true me.. so, i think i dont need any permission to do it ..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Absolutely needed that scream. Sigh, albeit silently, i really just feel like screaming. I am tired of everything really. I am tired of acting, in front of my mom, in front of my friends, in front of everyone. I really am very tired, i just can't find the strength to labour on further. Probably, people would have started noticing that i am not as cheerful as last time, i am more introvert as compared to last time, and probably a lil different.

Yes..

I am just tired of trying to put my most positive face out there. My mom is still crying every night, she is still screaming every night. She is worried about my studies, she is worried about this, she is worried about that. Every night, she will knock on my door, to cry in front of me. AND its really bothering me. It really is. As i already have my own studying schedule and all, she feels it's not right, she feels i should study like other normal students, and it's really shouldn't be this hard. I should wake up early in the morning and study, and study in the afternoon, and prob evening, and at night i should sleep. BUT I CANT. For fuck sake, i just cant, because i can only absorb whatever i am reading at night. It's how i had been studying all this while, and it works fine. Yes, i have studied a few nights up to the morning where i head to class straight. I understand why she is worried, but i cant just change my study methods just like this..

But i really hate it, that she cries everynight in front of me, to show her stress at work, to show that she is worried about me and all, because it just make me feel worse. So, i had to act in front of her, telling her that everything will be okay, and consoling her every night.. making sure she is safely tuck in bed.. and i need to show her that my studies are ok, i will definitely pass my exam this time.. Back to my room, i had to tell myself not to be distracted and focus.. But trust me, its really not easy.. It's stressing me to death, living to her expectation, my expectation and knowing that i really had to do well this time.. with all the problems that had been bugging me all this while.. It's really not as easy as you might think out there.. It's not that i am giving myself unwanted pressure, its not that i am kiasu, its not that i am secretive, its not that i wanna do better than the rest, its not that i am lansi, its not that i crave attention, its just that.. sigh, this is driving me mad?

And going to class, i had to show that i am fine, and life goes on, and everything is good and fine with me.. I thought i could manage it, i really thought i could, but i just cant. I am really tired.. Yes, i am very stressed out, yes i cant sleep everynight as a result of my mom and the stress in my life, yes i am having insomnia. I just cant find the reason to be genuinely cheerful. I know some of you cares for me alot, and wanna share the prob with me and thought it would be best if i were to share it out.. But I just cant. I dont know how to explain and tell it out. It's probably its my man ego, but it could be because i cant find the word to describe what i am feeling now besides FUCKED UP!

I was merely looking for people to tell me to hang in there, things will be ok.. and stuff like that, it would be really sufficient.. if i am really acting indifferently, behaving strangely, and been very introvert, please please please do realise, its not that i want it to be that way, but probably i needed time and space to breathe. I dont know, i just need some time to balance up my life. It's not that i do not wanna share, nor that i am hiding anything, its just that i dont know how to share..

I really don't wanna carry on playing some cheerful and happy character anymore. Tired. And my mom just cried again too. Sigh. I have to apologise to few of my friends and also my special someone that i had been losing my temper, or acting indifferently towards them for quite some time, but i am really very screwed at the moment, and i am not weird or anything, i am just under immense pressure and my family situation is really really really that bad. No joke, its really that bad. I hope people will understand. Well, if you dont, i dont care anymore. Because i am tired of carrying on acting that i am fine. Thanks.

My special mother day wishes.. yes, wishes..

Fri, 11 May 2007 20:45:04 GMT

This will be a one-off entry i guess, just to show my appreciation to the 3 moms in my life whom had contributed so much to what I am today.. besides, i am realllllly lazy to keep my blog updated la.. no time.. BUT, there is always time for these 3 wonderful women in my life!

Firstly, to my godmom!!!

Dear kai ma,
    I would want to thank you for every things that you had done in my life! My life would never be the same without your unconditional love and care. Even though you are merely my godmom and we aren't even related in blood, you had always treated me as if I am you own son and always showers me with gifts and love!
    Perhaps this is what we termed as fate. I am fortunately destined to have such a wonderful and beautiful godmom, or mom rather, to love me so so so very much. I hope and promise that I will love you as much, if not more, because I really appreciate everything that you have done for me.
    Although I have grown up and starts to have my own life and probably couldn't spend my holidays staying with you like when I was small, I will always remember those wonderful time I had with you! I am deeply humbled by your genuinity and sincerity all this while and you can always count on me if you ever needed my help in the future, regardless of what it would be, because....
    I just wanna tell you from the very bottom of my heart that I love you too!!

                       On Mother's Day,
                       I give to you all the sunshine in the sky,
                       the flowers in the world,
                       the love in my heart.
                       Happy Mother's Day..
============================================================================

And there's my guardian, whom I had stayed with for a staggering 17 years!!

Ah mi,
    At this very moment, I miss you and everyone else (kor wai + wife + soon-to-be-born child, ah jie + ivan kor kor + jw + sy, ah kar + ah yam kor kor + wei li) so so so much!! As I think of what to write here, all teh past memories came back to me. Remember how we used to chat the whole day, how we used to go out and have supper late at night, how we do groceries shopping.. and so much more!
    6 years have passed since I went back to live with my mom, but you are always in my memory! ALWAYS! Hehe, I am actually tearing now because I miss you so much this very moment. I am very glad that I am always accepted into your family and how everyone treated me like part of the family! The love, care and attention are so overwhelming that not a single point in my life that I feel like a stranger in your family!
    As I grew up, I learn that life is hard and a long journey, not everything will turn out to be how I had expected. I learnt how to be patient and see things in different perspectives, persevere even though times are rough! Well, all these qualities are from you and your family! I saw how you and kor wai persevere when things are bad, how ah kar is so wonderfully patient and how ah jie will look at things in a cheerful manner!
     I just want you to know that you are always part of my life, no matter where I go! You are always my mom and a loving one too! I hope you will continue to be healthy as ever, because I have so much to repay you! Hugz!!

When I think of all you've done for me,
I have to stop and smile..
You've always been there with you love,
And gone that extra mile,
Ad since you are so wonderful,
With all the things you do,
This comes to bring a heartfelt 'thanks'
And all my love to you.

Happpppy mother's day!!

============================================================================

Finally, my supermom.. MOM lah!

Mom!!!!!!!
    Hehe, you are a mom for 23 years already lo!! No, I am not saying you are old, but that you had been sacrificing so much for 23 years already!! Sometimes, it just made me in awe how great and wonderful a mom is, and how can you stand and bear with me for sooooooooooo long!?
    It felt like just few days ago that you were caning me, nagging and scolding me! How time has changed! NOW, its probably me who nags you! Haha.. Our relationship might not be that smooth the past few years and perhaps our journeys had been patchy at times, but all these made me realised how much you loved me, and how much you actually meant to me! Alot, alot, alot!!!!!!
    I would never ever trade you with anything in the world because you are the perfect mom! Perfect to me lah! I am very sorry that I couldn't buy you expensive or lovely gifts this year but I really believe it's the thought that counts right? Haha, besides, you already have me lah, what else you want?!? ^_^
    Anyway, I just want you to know that you are not only my mom, but a friend to me too, and I hope our relationship will continue to improve and you will always be my number 1 mom!!

P/s - I sincerely hope that you will remain healthy and live a long life, so I can take care and shower you with love, because you deserve everything!!

You're really someone to be admired,
You handle so much responsibility,
motherhood, work, managing a home,
yet you somehow get everything done,
while still finding the time,
to make those who are close to you,
feel cared for and loved.
It's no wonder, then,
That if anyone deserves to have a wonderful Mother's day...
it's YOU!!!!!!!!

Happy mothers day mommmmm!!!

============================================================================

Thank you God for blessing me with such precious gems in my life!! (of cz, i have one more gem in my life la, wink wink at miss chia)
============================================================================

Giving up.. or not?

Wed, 18 Oct 2006 20:11:36 GMT

That had been in my head for a long long time. At least for a month. I really don't know what to do with my life. Mom is crying every single day, and i know she cant take the family's responsibility already. I can no longer focus on my studies at the moment. No doubt, i know what i am capable of in studies. I won't say i am a genius but i know if i can keep focus and put in my 100% effort, i will be able to go through this. But honestly, how can i not worry about my mom when she kept crying and wanting to commit suicide. I really can't do it, i am having insomnia for a month already. I had kept this very well hidden and only lengseen knew about this. I am really struggling with my life at the moment, and yea i know many of you would think that everything is solvable, but seriously, how? My mom has a mortgage of 3k to be paid every month for this house. Selling the house? The proceeds will only be enough to pay of the mortgage and she wont get back a single penny. Changing of work? Where else can a 50 year old woman whom is uneducated earn that kinda money to support the family? I know if this condition persist, i would definitely fail my clp, i am very sure of that. But i know if i failed my clp, mom would be so disappointed in me. I tried speaking to her about my problems and i really can't focus, but she did not give reassuring words, instead she said, if she were to die, it would solve all the problems. So how could i share my problems with my mom anymore? I am contemplating quitting this course and get a job so i can contribute to the family. What do you guys suggest me to do? I really need loads of advice and opinions.

p/s - i know most of my christian friend would say believe in god, have faith and all.. i know what u guys are going to tell me because that is what i am telling myself everyday.. well, let's just say i need some practical suggestions..

Yu Kee bak kut teh..

Thu, 12 Oct 2006 09:27:22 GMT

Bak kut teh.. a type of dish that is widely popular in the west malaysia especially in klang has been around for ages.. The literal translation in english would be Bone Tea, which is I guess could be due to the fact that the soup is brewed in chunks of pork ribs and bones. It can either be served in bowls like in typical klang bak kut teh's restaurants or in a claypot, which i personally prefer. So, i had been to klang for bak kut teh with my lovely dearie a couple of times one month ago and hasn't had bak kut teh for few weeks when suddenly Valz msged me and asked me for lunch. She said she had been wanting to taste this Yu Kee bak kut teh in ss14 which had been luring her with the aromatic smells. So we both went to this restaurant for lunch.

We ordered the food suitable for servings for 1 person and we didnt had to wait long for the food. However, the bad omen were apparent when the garlic first came. The garlic which was supposed to go together with the light soya sauce and cili padi. To my dismay, the chopped garlic were chopped so pathetically that they might as well just leave it as it is because, yes, it is still so big and not nicely chopped! Not that i am very particular but when it is as big as half a mentos, it's a definite NO! Anyway, the bak kut teh was served within 15 mins of ordering which is pretty quick. However, again to our disappointment, the soup is rather tasteless and rather than bak kut teh, it should be called hot-water-with-a-very-limited-herbs-in-it-that-it-is-so-tasteless but i guess that wouldn't be that appealing to customers. So, they had to go with the trend and named it bak kut teh to torture us who genuinely believed that it's the authentic bak kut teh. Even the yau char kwai is cold and not crispy, so when you dip it into the soup, instead of being soft yet crispy, it became hard to chew. The food is so bad that we had to struggle to finish them. And expectedly, we couldn't finish our rice, and everything else. Thankfully the chrysanthemum tea taste normal and that's the only thing we managed to finish.

The above picture merely is one of the item that we couldnt finish. Costing about RM26 for two of us, i would strongly recommend everyone else to spend some extra 20 minutes and drive to klang instead for a more authentic and satisfying bak kut teh. Heck, i would rather just eat the wan tan mee outside my house. At least for RM3.50, i get more satisfaction. All in all, double thumbs down for this restaurant. Remember this saying, 'Eating bak kut teh in Yu Kee Restaurant, you'll definitely complain and rant!'

A very special day to me..

Thu, 05 Oct 2006 09:03:42 GMT

5th October 1984 saw the birth of a person that would have make a great impact in my life. She had been very caring and thoughtful all the whilst i knew her. I met her 3 years ago in Taylor's College while doing my 1st year L.L.B. there and boy oh boy, who would have expected something to happen between us 3 years down the line? We never even spoke to each other during the entire year despite being in the same class. But our friendship grew and we became very close friend after we both left to UK to further our studies. Ironically, it is only after we were separated by distance that our friendship grew as she was studying in another city in UK. Somehow, like in the tvb series that most of us always watch, our friendship blossomed into something more special. Hehe, it's a four letter word that somehow is lacking in the world today, *love*. By fate or by God's will, we got together towards the end of our time in UK. She might be far apart from me now and we might be separated by 13 hours of flight, but i am sure our hearts are together. I just want to take this opportunity to tell you that I am very grateful that you gave me a chance to be your someone special, and I love you. Happy birthday to the special one! Hugz!

PL to LS

p/s : this is the first time i will actually attach a picture in this blog, so yeah.. hehe.. :)

And i think this entry is a very special one because at least it shift my sorrow in the past few entries into something to be happy about!

What would you do if...

Wed, 04 Oct 2006 15:45:11 GMT

...you came home and you heard your mom crying and screaming in the room? I went straight up to her room and checked on her... she was crying profusely and screaming like a mad woman.. I am very worried, so i asked her what's wrong.. she told me in tears , 'Son, if mom is no longer around, take good care of yourself.' I was taken back with her sentence and am very worried about her.. She told me she is too tired of her life, and she wants to commit suicide. Yes, those are the exact words she used. She said at the moment only death can solve her problems, she is too stressed out from her life and she had enuff of life. She smiles while looking at the mirror, and kept repeating to me that she will go away soon.. So what i did was i told her do not say stuff like this and we would be able to go through this period together, and everything will be ok.. etc etc.. she turned hostile suddenly, and slapped me. The hand print is still on my left cheek now.. She kept repeating that she wanna die as she hit her chest repeatedly. I held her back and ask her to remain calm, and i got punched as well.. I am running out of idea on how to keep her calm and i carried her to bed and force her to sleep. I spoke to her and comforted her.. she is sleeping now luckily.. but i know i am whiny here, but i really wanna scream as well.. i am gonna go insane soon, with all of these stuff happening to me.. i just want to focus on my studies now and get this clp once and over with.. and start supporting my mom.. but it's affecting me hugely.. i am stressed out and i just cant be worried abt so many stuff at once.. God, if you are with me, which i know u would be as u had been throughout the years, please help me.. i need prayers...

My mom...

Sun, 17 Sep 2006 12:05:51 GMT

First of all, i would like to thank every reader and friends that had been offering me words of encouragement and support following my last blog post on 'A letter to my mom'. Those words meant a lot to me, because it lifted my spirits up.. However, to be fair to my mom, i guess perhaps i should dedicate or write a post about her.. so you all would realise.. despite our rocky relationships, why I love and respect her so much...

Difficult. That's probably one word best to describe her journey throughout her life. Born in a very poor village in Kedah, she had to endure a very tough childhood due to poverty. With 6 other siblings in the family, it is indeed a very large family, and it's no easy task for her dad (my grandpa) to support the entire family. Due to the traditional thinking that girls don't need a high qualification in terms of education, she had to stop school after 12 years old. Even when she had the opportunity to attend the primary school back then, she didnt had it easy. She had to carry huge basketful of 'kuihs' and 'nasi lemak' to be sold to her classmates or schoolmates. Due to her small body frame, she tends to be bullied by people, hence in order to protect herself, she developed her fearsome attitude. To compensate for her physical limitations, she horns her vocal skills to protect herself, resulting in her being very fierce and loud. After she dropped out from school, she had to look for a job to start supporting her family. She started working in a saloon during the day, and in a karaoke during the night. Yeah, it is not exactly the most luxurious jobs and many people might have misconception about her work, but it's her hard earned money, done legally without hurting any souls. So, she began to work day and night, and give large amount of it to her parents. Working in those places are never easy, even to this day. There will be loads of guys that tends to take advantage of her, if you know what i mean, and in order to protect herself, she became even more fierce. But work is work, she had to submit to the harsh environment of her work.

Until she met my dad. They got married, and times were happier back then. She quitted her job and started doing small businesses with my dad with my dad's parents help. Life got more and more comfortable and everything seems perfect when I was born. Due to their work, they had to send me to stay with a babysitter when i was 1 month old. I will only get to see my parents once a year for my next 17 years because they are working far away. And obviously, my relationship with my babysitter is exceptionally brilliant, she is closer to me way more than my mom, even up till today and she had treated me like her own son. Her children treated me like their younger brother and always cared and love me genuinely. It is through them that i felt the family warmth, but we shall leave that to another day. :)

So, back to my mom.. time were good for her, until the silly day came, when my dad went to see this fortune teller and the guy told my dad that my dad is suppose to live an easy life, and that he doesnt need to work in his life at all. That sentence changed my life completely. My mom's life too.. my dad's life too.. He believed in that, and he became a changed person. Lazy and no longer motivated, he would spend all his time with his bunch of friends whom are either gamblers or lazy bunch of adults leaching their parents money even though they are 30 years old! So, facing the task of providing for the family and to finance my dad's expenses, my mom had to search for a new work again (as my dad gave away the business to someone else cz he refuses to work hard anymore) .. being uneducated, married, in her late 30s, and no job experience at all.. she needs a job that can earns her enuff to pay for house mortgage, my dad's finances, my schooling and babysitting payments, my necessities, and of cz she had her family to support as well back in kedah. So, she is forced to work in her old field again. Some of you might say, she can look for some other jobs and there are 10 billion of jobs elsewhere or etc etc, but let's be realistic here, what job can pay her that much that she can pay for all those bills and mortgages? None to be honest. So, she had to move to sabah alone, and she worked 3 jobs to support the family. Yeah, freaking 3 jobs! She gets like 4 hours sleep a day, and she works monday to sunday. Her night job in the karaoke requires her to drink with her clients, and no, it's not like those u watch in tvb series, no, it's not exactly until that bad, but it just aint, i would say, the best environment to work in. So she slog and slog and slog her ass off, and only to find out that my dad has another woman outside because my dad is lonely with my mom working in such a far place. Being heartbroken, they finally came to the conclusion that the family just aint going into the right direction, so they divorced when i was 7. I am forced to accept the fact that mama and papa is no longer together and it will never be the same like last time. It was really harsh on me that time, but I struggled through, and as i grew up, began to understand and accepted the fact. Obviously, my guardian and her family is very inspirational for me, she kept reassuring me that everything's fine, mama and papa will still be my mama and papa, and they will still love me unconditionally, a promise they made to me when they divorced, and a promise they had kept very well thus far.

Some of you at this point might think my dad is the worst scum ever. But i would still beg to differ. Yes, he aint perfect, he has his fair share of mistakes, i have mine too. I had to admit, i was mad and annoyed at him when i knew what happened, but that doesn't make him failed as a dad. He still loves me alot, and he would care for me genuinely and he is still a very loving father to me. I would say he failed as a husband to my mom, but he isn't exactly that bad as my dad. He is still learning from his mistakes, and now being remarried and with a new family, i can see the changes in him. He had grew up to be a more responsible man, and he is still learning and maturing now. It's just that the fortunate woman is not my mom, but my stepmom. He still loves me a lot and is very proud of me. So papa, if you somehow heard of this blog somewhere, do take heart that i will still love you, and will always do, because regardless, you are still my dad, and i only have one dad in this world.

Anyway, sorry for straying again.. back to my mom, so she had to accept the fact that now she had lost my dad, and focus all her energy and time on me. Again, she numbed herself with work and save a pretty decent amount of money for my education in the future. She knows that only via education that I can be a successful person. She works like a cow just to see me being a useful person. She would not spend the money she earned on herself, but on her family and on me. Yes, she is that great as a mom and a daughter, i would give her 11/10 in playing that role.

However, there's always 2 sides on a coin, and it is no difference in my case. Because of me being her only hope and pride left, I was loaded with huge huge burden to succeed in everything i do. She would never tolerate a 2nd best, she would want me to play the character of son and daughter at home, doing all the heavy work a son will do in the house, and doing all the household chores a daughter would do at home. I am expected to be the obedient child and whenever she said yes, it's never a no. Because she is so worried about me, and cared about me so much, that she controlled my entire life. House rules are as thick as yellow pages book and raising my voice to her is definitely a NoNo (tho i had to admit, on days we do have our arguments).

Ever since I am young, i had always been obedient to her, doing well in studies, getting all the As, and submitting to everything she says. Little do i realise by doing that, she began to take control of my life more and more because she is getting more and more worried about me when i grew up. I begins to feel the stress and pressure in being her model son and her pride. Hence, our arguments got more and more frequent and she began to think a lot of negative stuff. Thinking that I am becoming more rebellious, hence the harsh words she uttered to me as written in my last blog post became more frequent. Making me feel guilty because she had sacrificed so so so much for me, and I can't even make her happy. I am not gonna blame my mom for all this, nor i will blame anyone else for whatever is happening or has happened, because i believe it's all part and parcel of God making and moulding me to be a better human, to see stuff from more perspective and to treasure and appreciate what He had given me in my life. I hope my actions will slowly convince my mom that i am maturing now, and despite whatever changes in my life, she will always remain to be someone dear and highly respected in my tiny heart.

I am sorry for this long post, but i really hope my mom will one day read this. But sadly, it will never happen i guess. Nevertheless, thanks for taking the time to read this long and blabbery post.

P/s - Ma, you are still the greatest mom in the world. Hugz.

A letter to my mom..

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 16:35:14 GMT

Ma,

It hurts me so much to see you crying this very instant.. As you are weeping in your room now, my heart is bleeding.. badly.. I know you had been through so much and it is getting from bad to worse, and the fact that I can do nothing about it that hurts me the most.. You had been providing me with comfort and showered me with love ever since the day you brought me to life, and i am really thankful and appreciative of that fact..

Ma, you must had gone through a lot of shits to raise me up, and sacrifices everything for me.. I know and treasure your sacrifices.. You have dedicated your whole life for just one aim, to see your son to be a successful person, someone that is knowledgeable and kind hearted.. You have lost everything in order to secure a good education for me.. your youth, your time, and tonnes of money.. I know dad aint being helpful for putting all the burden of raising me on you, when he choose to leave you for someone else.. I know how much you suffered inside and how you tried to commit suicide by taking sleeping pills when i was younger.. I had always yearned for a happy family, somewhat complete family with dad, you and myself, going to parks, travellings and spending time together, but it never happened since dad left you.. But i never blamed anyone, because i still have you.. Ma, you are always there for me when i needed you, when i stepped into shithole and never knowing how to get out from those shitholes.. you are always there to pick me up.. never once you would complain...

But ma, i never wanna see you cry.. You always cry when you are drunk from your work.. it hurts me very badly.. it really does.. when you are drunk, you would knock on my door, hugging me and crying your hearts out.. ma, i really understand your frustration.. but i am really trying my best to help you ma.. I know you are usually very tired due to your work.. so i do the sweeping, mopping and other housework.. i know our financial situation is very bad, so i stopped going out.. i know you want me to succeed in my career.. so i locked myself in the room and study every nite now.. i know you don't like me going out at nite, so i try to follow your curfew of 11pm.. I am 22 years old and being a guy, i do wish to spend time with my friends too.. but ma, you are more important, i wouldnt wanna hurt you an inch..

Am i really that bad, ma? That you need to constantly tell me how much you suffered because of me.. that whenever you are drunk you would scold me? Am i that useless ma? I am trying really hard to please you.. but despite that, all i get in return is your scolding.. and making me feel i am the worst son on the planet.. I have already tried my best, ma.. I know you love me with all your heart and soul.. and that makes it so hard for me to be angry at you.. because i know you love me dearly.. i know u never intended to hurt me, nor scold me.. but ma, words that you use sometimes really hurts me..

I might not be the perfect son to you ma.. but i am trying my very best.. I love you.. Please stop crying...

Your son

It's been a year...

Fri, 15 Sep 2006 16:11:41 GMT

..since I last updated this blog.. in fact, i actually forgotten the username and password to this site.. to the extent i needed to use the old but proved method of... TRIAL AND ERROR LA! keep trying with different combination of username and pw until it works... well, it works.. :)

Anyway, to be really honest, i don't even know why i revive my blog, and i don't know how long can i sustain this blog as i had to admit, i am not a very colourful writer, and i don't own a digital camera as well.. meaning.. NO PICTURES IN THIS BLOG LAH! :(

It's just that i wanted to express what's running through my mind, and stuff that i wish to share with people who drop by my blog..

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 19:00:33 GMT

Who I really am?

Went to church this morning, and one very powerful sentence or, question, struck me. The question was, is my life impacting the others? So, it got me thinking...

I began to question myself, who i really am, and how do i behave or act in front of my friends? I am curious, is my life making any impact at all or not on people living around me? When people ask about me, what would they say about me? Will they go like, ah that guy, i dont see how he is a christian, if he is a christian, i dont wanna know his God! Or, people would be like, okay, he is a nice guy, and he does make me interested in knowing more about him! Which type of person am I to you? I know I am not perfect but I am trying to be a person where people would appreciate and likes to live with. And I hope, i can be someone that might be impact, or touch someone's life even with my limited capabilities. I hope, my mom would be able to tell people, this is my son, and i am proud of him!

So, it pops the next question.. how do my housemates view me? Do my presence in the house bring more positive or negative impact? I trully would like to know. At times, i feel that I am kinda burden to them, for I know they are all reasonably well to do, and I am far beyond their level. And plenty of times they had to change their plans, or make some alternatives to accomodate me because I cant spend that much. And i appreciate that they wanted to include me in everything. However, will it be such a burden to them? I always feel guilty if they had to change plans just for me. Thus, I am really curious, what do they think of me.. hmm..

Thinking..thinking...